About To Lose It

June 2, 2008 by · 1 Comment · Filed under: Rants 

I am so, so, so frustrated!  I will probably feel better after this rant and everything will be fine.  But I am feeling cosmicly thwarted lately, and I’ve been taking it pretty well in stride.  But I’m just about at the point where I want to scream!

I’m very happy to be back in the Seattle area.  So glad to be around my sister and friends again and feel very welcomed back by everyone.  I am getting plenty of business, both new and repeat clients.  And everything should be hunky-dory.

But my problem is these little things that are keeping me from succeeding with my work and catching up to where I need to be money-wise.  I missed 10 days of work moving and incurred a lot of expenses.  Now that I can work again and have plenty of business, other things are getting in my way.

The biggest thing is that the school district is dragging their feet HORRIBLY getting my son placed.  And he is so high-maintenance that I almost can’t work if he is around at all.  If I had known it was going to take them this long to place him, I would have gotten daycare for him or some kind of help before now.  I still don’t have a start date for him, and school ends June 18!  I had thought that I could catch up enough and get ahead enough with him in school, that when June 18 came around I could get by on just whatever little work I could do with him around.

The guy from the school district was supposed to meet me last Friday at the school to sign Charlie’s papers to enroll him but simply didn’t show up!  No one was expecting me and it took 40 minutes to figure out that I just needed to leave and they would have him call me when they could get ahold of him.  This threw me off and almost made me late for a business meeting.  Plus added a day to the process of getting him enrolled.  When he finally called later, all he had to say was, “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to meet with you this morning.”  No explanation.  No reason for standing me up and no apology for standing me up.  Just sorry he wasn’t able to meet.

So I met with him this morning, and it took all of about 4 minutes to sign the paperwork.  No big woop.  That was after wasting 40 minutes Friday to get this done.  Ridiculous.  Oh, and they still don’t have a start date for Charlie to give me.

In addition to that frustration (and feeling guilty for wanting my child to “go away” so that I can work), my internet has been flaky as hell.  Donna came and got Charlie today so that I could get 5 solid hours of work done, and as soon as she left, it just went down!

Now it’s back, but I re-started my computer out of desperation hoping that would make it come back, and when I did, all the stuff out of my drop-down had disappeared!  That is extremely minor, but it was the last fucking straw.  I can’t get any momentum or a head of steam going.  All I can do is this flaky little bit of work here and little bit there.  Nothing major, and no feeling of accomplishment ever!  I’m feeling ineffective as hell and like the universe is really fucking with me.  It pisses me off.  I’ve been here over two weeks now – I should be further along than still just playing catch-up.

Oh, and that is on top of this HORROR that happened to me while I was waiting for Donna to get here.  I had to have some work done on a tooth earlier this year and went to a dental college.  They drilled the tooth way too much in my opinion, doing a root canal, then the instructor came in and said they weren’t shoving the cone things in hard enough that go into your tooth after that.  So he did it and I about came out of my seat.  They hadn’t done the anesthesia properly to begin with, and I had just finally told them it was fine because I was sick of them poking me.  So I was already in hell.

So anyway, it felt like they about cracked that tooth when they did all of that.  And guess what – they must have.  Because a chunk of it broke off today.  It’s kind of back there, so it is barely visible.  But I can sure as hell feel it – it was only a little portion that broke off, but it left a jagged point which is hurting my cheek a little bit.  This also can’t be good for the tooth and my mouth over all.  I’m probably going to lose that tooth now.

Plus I’ll have to pay for it out of my pocket since I’m self-employed and have no insurance.  I guess I won’t be getting ahead any time soon.  I’m so freaking exhausted and need my life to normalize.

I need Charlie in school part of the time or maybe part time daycare, where I can count on uninterrupted time to work.  I need to catch up and, God forbid, get a little bit ahead.  I need that consistency and dependability because , fuck, I *need* a weekend and an end to the workday.  I haven’t had that in forever.

I’m ALWAYS WORKING, or trying to work, or trying to get a job, or something.  I need it to normalize.  I’m back in a place where there are places to go on the weekend and people to go these places with.  I need an end to this continual stress.

Universe, please, stop fucking with me!  I’m working hard.  I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.  I went from having less than nothing at the beginning of this year to starting not one, but two successful businesses.  Please, please, please give me a break or a breather and let me re-set!

Anyway….  I didn’t really have time to write this post.  But I hit a breaking point obviously.  Ok, I’m re-setting.  Giving it another go.  I still have time to get nearly 4 hours’ work in before Donna comes back with Charlie.  And then I’m closing business for the day!  I have to.  I’m just spent.  Maybe tomorrow will be better….

Oh, that reminds me.  I’m having lunch with one of my favorite clients in Seattle tomorrow!  It will be so cool to meet him face-to-face (I’ve only had the privilege of meeting one other of my clients in person so far), plus I’ll finally get to see the Space Needle.  🙂   Haven’t seen it since I’ve been back.  Ok, I’m happy again – Or somewhat optimistic, at least….

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One Response to “About To Lose It”
  1. naomi says:

    i’m sorry that life is so challenging for you right now. it sucks when the little things all pile up and create an avalanche that bowls one over leaving nothing much useful in its wake. i know that things will work out eventually. just remember to keep breathing those long relaxing breaths.